Congress is Taking Action Against Walker Hayes

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The year is 2017. Congress can agree on nothing and even with a majority in all branches of government the Republican party has had a dickens of a time passing legislation.

The country has been looking for something, anything to bring congress together and end this partisan divide and that is where Walker Hayes comes in. Middle aged father of 7 Walker Hayes has released an album so outrageously dreadful that congress has literally stopped all other business in order to attend to this crisis.

Reports have been coming out of Washington that 11 senators had to be rushed to the hospital over the course of the weekend after being exposed to boom.

Mitch Mcconnell made an impassioned speech on the Senate floor Monday in which he said, “This is too much! Where do we draw the line? How many innocent Americans can we allow to be subjected to this sewage?”

Every senator from both parties stood up and applauded the majority leader’ words. So what is congress planning on doing to combat the filth that has permeated out of Nashville? They have agreed in a unanimous vote to pass the Middle Aged White Guy Talk Singing Act which will likely send shock waves throughout Nashville.

Sam Hunt and his team could not be reached for comment however, it is expected that his days making “music” are numbered. The only question that remains is whether or not President Trump will sign the bill into law. His Tweets about the album have been extremely unclear and troubling (see below).

Tweet 1. Walker Hayes’ new album is the greatest country album of all time. He has already sold more albums than fake country little Georgie Strait ever did #MCGA

Tweet 2. Why is Hillary trying to stop the public from hearing the GREAT Walker Hayes album? And WHY ISN’T THE FBI INVESTIGATING THAT?! #MCGA

Tweet 3. Fake blog sites with very low ratings Farce the Music, The Musical Divide and Country Exclusive are trying to hurt my good friend @WalkerHayes. I’ve heard many people, good people say that those blogs r crumbling. They hate REAL COUNTRY MUSIC! #MakeCountryGreatAgain #FakeBlogs

Whether or not the President signs the bill into law, both the house and the senate have veto proof majorities and will likely override him.

As citizens we can only pray that congress does the right thing and ends this madness.

 

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Country Newcomer Brett Young’s Music is Literally Curing People

 

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The quotes below are all part of my interview with Dr Reginald Spears of Nashville State Tech

I have criticized Brett Young’s music from time to time until I learned just how important Brett Young and some of Brett’s peers are in the quest to cure insomnia. For those of you that don’t know, insomnia is a sleep disorder that affects about 60 million American’s. Doctors and researchers at Nashville State Tech have been working tirelessly for the past 3 years in order to find a cure for the sleep disorder. “Pills are only so effective” said world renowned sleep doctor Reginald Spears. “We wanted to come up with something that would cure the disorder. Little did we realize that the cure was right under our noses here in Nashville.”

And that’s where Brett Young’s music comes in. One day during a lunch break Spears and his team of researcher’s were listening to the local country station Snapback FM when all of a sudden everyone within earshot of the radio had passed out only to awake 8 hours later. “We didn’t understand what the hell happened. How do 27 people all pass out at the same time and awake basically 8 hours later?” Spears and his team would have dismissed this strange event if it had not become a regular occurrence. Every time certain artists music would come on the radio it would happen. “It was especially bad when this guy Brett Young’s music would play. We decided to test out his music on patients after we realized what was happening to us.”

The researcher’s realized quickly however that it was crucial to not over expose their subjects to too much of Brett Young’s music. “One patient was in a coma for 6 months. The music didn’t simply make him sleep, it put him in a coma.” The coma was induced after the 4th song was played. “We realized the key to treating our patients was not simply to play music from artists like Brett Young. We had to be careful of the dosages that we were giving them.”

Over time the team decided to test other artists music in order to see if there would be weaker or stronger results. “When we tested Blake Shelton’s music the results were extremely promising but when we tested Florida Georgia Line and Sam Hunt songs the subjects and researchers began to get belligerent. This proved our hypothesis that you cannot simply prescribe any mainstream artists music and expect the same results.”

What is so exciting about this research is that it has been so successful in curing insomnia that the FDA is fast tracking the approval. “One day in the not to distant future, you will go to your doctor with your sleep troubles and he will simply write you a prescription to listen to a specific mainstream country artist or a mix of a couple and you will be able to sleep.” On the bottle it is very clear that you cannot listen to Brett Young and drive at the same time. The effects of his music can be dangerous if not consumed under the supervision of a trained sleep doctor.

I would like to than Dr Spears for participating in this interview and for being the doctor that cured insomnia! So many people across the world are grateful for the work you and your team of researchers have done.

 

Exclusive Kelsea Ballerini New Album Track Listing

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It’s been a slow week for the blog because of how busy I have been but that should change in the coming weeks with school ending. In the meantime I read an article by Nash Country Daily that describes Kelsea Ballerini’s new album as “dark” and “about growing up.” Since I’m a jerk, I decided to make a joke out of this and write up a fake track list with a short description for each song. The descriptions are meant to be written by Kelsea as well. Hope you enjoy.

1. Dunkin’

A truly dark tale of a trip to Dunkin’ Donuts in which I ordered a decaf double foam latte with soy milk only to later realize that it was whole milk instead of soy milk! It happened a few years ago but it still gives me chills.

2. No Phone, Alone

This one is still hard to talk about. One day on the way home from the mall I left my phone in the limo. I was without my phone for like 2 hours and I wanted to die. I wonder how like the pilgrims didn’t get to text the Indians about stuff.

3. Boy 

This track is a lot more uptempo and happy than the previous two dark songs. Basically I like say the word boy a lot of times. The music video for this is like so lit, I can’t wait for everyone to see it!

4. Daddy Where’s My Glitter?

Yet another dark track on this album. I go back to a traumatic day during my childhood when I ran out of glitter and Daddy wouldn’t get me more. He claimed it was because he had a broken leg but, I think he was just faking.

5. Real Housewives

I like love all the reality shows on TV. I just wanted to honor all the incredible people that work so hard to be on these shows. It’s so tough being famous.

6. Brave

So like a lot of people don’t know this about me but I’m like really brave. On the tour bus one night there was like a spider and I hardly cried at all. I calmed myself down by playing some of my new music and then the spider for some reason just died on it’s own. So weird!

7. Country Boy Shake It For Me

This song was such an inspiration growing up! I love Luke Bryan and I wanted to do the song Country Girl Shake It For Me from the female perspective. The song was a little more on the traditional side so I changed the music a little to fit with my personality.

8. Song 8

Writing an album is like really hard. I just ran out of ideas so I said “How bout we just call a song song 8?” Well my label loved it and we decided to run with it! It’s not really about like anything but, it’s really happy and fun.

9. Dibs Remix feat Katy Perry

Dibs was such an inspiring track to so many people that I thought it would be great if we could do a remix with Katy Perry! She’s so incredible and her music is actually pretty country if you think about it.

10. Country Radio Your Like The Coolest!

This is my little hey hey to country radio. You guys are like so awesome! You will play anything I send you and I think that’s like so cool!